Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Where to begin...

Lots of things floating through the brain, and lots of nothing getting done around here. Someone needs a day off from life, and that someone is The MAMA. I am trying to find the days that work for doing that, that don't conflict with other people being out (the burden of working in a small office) or other commitments.

Things that I think about, not necessarily in order of importance:

Roman Polanski: Should be prosecuted for his crime. I don't care how many beautiful movies the man has made, he drugged and raped a 13 year old girl and then fled the jurisdiction. I know he made an undisclosed payment to the family, but he has not faced the court system for his crime. What kind of crazy message does THAT send?

Native American ancestors: Turns out my father's cousin Irene, who has been diligent in researching our ancestry on that side of the family, has found we have Mohawk ancestry. And Welsh, Dutch and a few other spices. It is far enough back that I don't think I qualify to get any money from any casinos, if the Mohawk tribe has any, but it is interesting none the less. More interesting is one of our Dutch ancestors, Maria Du Truax, apparently was quite the trollop, having a child out of wedlock not once but twice with different men.

Professional developement: Lately I have been wondering if I have what it takes to make the next step professionally. I know I can do the job, but it would mean a larger commitment of time and energy at the job, and less time and energy at home. And honestly, I am not sure I am willing to make that trade off. I have been in my current position for 9 years. By all accounts this would be a perfect time to make the leap to VP for Enrollment Management somewhere. But I look at my boss, and the level of commitment she brings to the table, and wonder if I can do it right now. She is unmarried and has no children. She has a golden retriever, who comes to the office every day. She has few if any outside obligations that require her to make any sacrifices in terms of her time at work.

I already work full time, and have Cooper in day care from 8 - 5 five days a week. He loves it, I don't feel he is being harmed in any way by doing that, but after work and on weekends, my time is spent being his mom. And a partner in my marriage. I don't think I am willing to commit less to that.

Beyond just my own professional growth, one other reason I would consider a change is financial. If a position were available at a college in an area that we were willing to live, that would provide a cheaper/more affordable lifestyle, it might make sense to pursue it. But that brings up the next question: Do I want to live in Pittsburgh or Peoria? Pittsburgh maybe, Peoria...well...

So it is a question I am balancing in my head: How much weight do I give to the idea that if we could live more affordably, Bob might not have to work at all, so maybe the extra commitment I would have to give to work would be offset by him being able to be the primary care giver, vs. wanting to give as much as I can myself to being a mom and a wife while still working because I have to?

If I didn't HAVE to work from a financial standpoint, I probably still would, but maybe I would make different choices about what I did and how much I worked. While I am good at what I do, and it is part of my identity, it is not all of who I am.

Seriously, do men have these conversations with themselves? Blahblahblah, it is time for lunch. Insights and thoughts are welcome.


Audubon Ron said...

Yes actually, things like "What a nice set of ..."

I think it's Roman Polansky, I could be wrong.

dubiousma said...

Girl, you need a macation (as my 8 yo used to pronounce "vacation.")!

Dproudmama said...

I see a big conversation between you and Bob. Is the job you seek out there? (And Peoria could be fine if in Ill. not in Arizona. But, wait, AZ has the Mariner's training camp there. No, still too hot.) Are you feeling vulnerable? What would you do with your day off?

mkosboth said...

Yes, it is ROMAN Polanski. I think my brain and my editor all got massively confused. And yes, I need a vacation. And Bob and I have been having this conversation on and off since January when he got laid off. Arizona is NOT on the list of possibilities. Too damn hot.

Chip said...

Do men have these internal monologues? This one does.

Oh, I happen to know of a house, in a GREAT neighborhood with lots of family nearby (could be a minus), that is vacant and I believe the rent would be crazy cheap. I know the landlords.

Loads of schools out here.

mkosboth said...

Chip: I know YOU have these internal conversations. Those voices are really loud in your head. I can hear them if I stand close enough. And I am familiar with this situation you speak of, however, there are no jobs at any of those schools out there at the moment. BELIEVE me when I say it has been a topic of much discussion and we would move in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself.